A Good Day!

Even though my pictures are now out of order, here's our pic from Halloween. Daddy was Jabba the Hutt, Ari was a Wookie, Mommy was Amidala, and Greg was Yoda, from Star Wars.

Today is a GOOD DAY. It blows me away how just when you get to the end of your rope, somehow everything suddenly shifts and the sun cracks through.

The twins have finally adjusted to daylight savings time. After the worst evening we've had since they were, oh, probably about 2 months old, I simply could not keep them up until their bedtime of 7pm. So I did baths at 6pm and had them down by 6:30. MIL and FIL were very snitty about this (having just been bystanders witnessing the Daylight Savings Drama the past few days). FIL had the gall to sneer, "You keep putting them to bed earlier and earlier. No wonder they keep waking up so early."

Now, I am particularly sensitive in this area because I happen to take great pride in the fact that I got these Rambunctious Renegades on a strict bedtime ritual/routine and sleeping through the night (11-12 hours) by 3 1/2 months old. I rocked in that area. Since they have seemed to regress a bit lately, you can imagine my frustration. And all watched and critiqued by the IL's. MIL especially, who never got DH to sleep through the night, and is competitive with me about that (ummmm, hello, that was 31 years ago). SOoooooo, this morning they did not wake up at 5:30, or 6:00, or 6:30. No, they slept until 7:30am!!!!!!!! It was wonderful. Amazing. A miracle! Because now they are adjusted to the time change.

I can't say how I did it, I didn't do anything except what I THOUGHT was the worst thing, which was give in to an earlier bed time. I had no choice, as they were so miserable it felt cruel to keep them up. And it worked. Somehow. Silent revenge was sweet this morning as MIL and FIL left for work with not so much as a peep from the nursery. [[[gleeful grin]]] As anyone with twins will tell you, keeping them TOGETHER on a schedule is the only way to do things and have life be manageable, so the fact that they both slept until 7:30 together was wonderful.

Anyway, Ari and Greg are now well rested again, so they are happy as little clams. It really amazes me how what they say is true: well rested babies sleep better. They do! You would think it was the opposite, but on nights they don't sleep as well their naps are crummy too. And today they have had the best naps, and woken from them smiling. Wow.

In future news:
Saturday night we have something called Family Club dinner. Basically it's once a month that everyone in the family gets together, and different households take turns hosting (not everyone goes every month, we've actually never been to one, and MIL and FIL go to like 2 a year). Well, it's the IL's turn to host. So we are going to have a huge and crazy crowd. They arrive at 6pm, so that gives Ari and Greg 45 mins to socialize before bath time and bedtime. The big question is, will they sleep through the noise? Or will they wake up? I'll keep you posted.

Funny tidbit of the day:
Ari decided to work on cutting some teeth...on Cameron's rawhide chew. LOL Ewwwww.... :)

Craving some relief...

Ari and Greg had their very first wagon ride on Sunday.

I don't know why motherhood has to be such violent up-and-down emotions. Maybe it's just me, but things are so different day to day that a lot of times I'm just left reeling, with only enough time to get 7 hours of sleep and start all over again.

Right now, I am listening to Ari scream and refuse to nap, and this morning I listened to Greg scream for an hour. I know they are exhausted, but they are in this new phase where they just want to be picked up, and see my face, no matter how desperate they are for a nap.

Yesterday the wagon ride was at a 3-year old's birthday party. A child of a friend of ours. There were a lot of kids and babies there, and I was on Cloud 9, thinking about how miserable I would have been if we still didn't have children at this point. I thought, "finally, I'm a mom, and I get to actually be a part of all this!" It was the best feeling. That was the morning.

Morning gave way to afternoon, and due to daylight savings time we had to stretch out the boys' day by an hour. The feeding schedule was just fine with that, but it was trying to keep them up until 7pm (their 8pm) that was brutal. Between the b-day party in the morning, taking them to the grocery store in the afternoon's cranky period, and then for a long outdoor walk to stretch them the extra hour in the evening, I was just beat. And I still am this morning.

Ah, Ari just stopped crying and fell asleep. Thank god.

The hardest part of living with my in-laws is that, no matter how many times I try to get it through my thick head, they are NOT helpful. I don't get relief unless it's a scheduled thing to go out, which is usually me giving up sleep, not during their waking hours. I can't help feeling angry. I keep trying to tell myself that they have a life, they are the grandparents, I'm the mom, they don't owe me anything. They are providing us with a home until we can sell ours out-of-state and buy a new one. They enjoy feeding us and we don't have to pay for groceries. But I still just want to cry.

I'm so exhausted. I'm so drained.

I love my boys more than EVER, but it's still so hard. It has absolutely gotten easier month by month, but I wish I could just stop my brain from expecting other people to make my life easier. Sometimes I wonder if I really am the selfish brat my mother thinks I am. I am practically crying writing this.

I see other moms going through this. Now that I'm on the watch for it, I do see it. I see my friend J get absolutely NO help from her husband, and she just pulled off a 3-year-old's b-day party with a 6 week old newborn in tow, getting no sleep whatsoever, and no relief in sight. She and I talk about how her in-laws (best friends with my in-laws, our husbands were best friends growing up) give her no help either. In fact, they often make things more difficult. So I know I'm not alone. It's just....WHY???

Sometimes I think that women (and I am guilty of this as well) enjoy some schadenfreude in watching young mothers suffer "like they did." I know my own mother got snitty that DH and I will be getting away to Vegas for 4 days this coming December. She said she didn't get a vacation for 5 years after becoming a mother. And she was literally ticked that I was going to. My MIL is kinda the same way. Just little well-placed comments here and there implying that "you're the mom now, HA HA, sucks to be you" kind of attitude.

Will I do this to my daughter-in-laws? I don't know. I hope not. OK. I'm really crying now. Are we all just destined to grow bitter and become bitchy to each other? Why are women like this? And I know that I do it, too. And I hate that. Like saying in my mind, "just wait until SIL has a baby, she'll realize how worthless her mom is in terms of help, HEE HEE." And then I stop myself and go, WHAT AM I THINKING?!?

I'm just so FRICKIN' TIRED and WORN DOWN that I also want to take pleasure in the suffering of others, even if it's future hopeful suffering. It's so awful. That is not who I want to be, or who I am, or ever was. Where does this come from?

Sorry I'm rambling and all over the map in this post.

I'm afraid to even think ahead to next week, let alone next year, thinking of all the things I have to handle completely by myself. And the boys are ready for the convertible car seats just in time for winter, as they are outgrowing their infant seats. Getting two babies dressed to go out, in the car, out of the car, in the stroller, to our destination, and repeating the process in reverse...just to get them out of the house...it's more than I can bear to think about right now.

I just wish I had more support. :(

The Good, Bad, and UGLY.

Fun at the pumpkin patch. Ari (left) and Greg (right).

There is almost too much to relate in this one post. I'll start with twin stuff, since it's supposed to be a twins blog. ;)

Ari is crawling, and Greg is creeping, all over the place. I really REALLY need to get serious about baby proofing, even though I haven't really done anything hard-core yet.

The napping situation is at a crisis level again. Although I can get them down together most of the time, they have been boycotting their last nap of the day. Then they are barely making it to bath time. It's rough. I have to say that one of the hardest things about twins, after the first 6 months, is napping. Naturally, they are two different people and want different things. So the challenge becomes stretching one who is tired a bit, or waking one up who is still sleeping, or putting one down with the other even though he isn't quite ready. Otherwise I would be nonstop all day, and have no time to do anything else like laundry, bottles, or have a quick meal.

So, normally the boys are too tired to start their day after their 7am bottle, so they go back down for another 40-60 mins afterwards. Since they have been miserable the past week, I decided to keep them up this morning and see what happened. Big mistake. UGH. It was even worse and our normally easygoing morning was cranky. Then they only napped for 45 minutes at 9am. So that didn't seem to help at all, and might have made things worse, only the progression of the day will tell.

It's just amazing how awful your days can be when babies are cranky all day long. It kinda feels like you're getting screamed at by two people all day. ;) The past two nights I have prayed for bath time as the minutes ticked by. Could this be a growth spurt? Teething? I don't know. All I know is that I'm praying for this to sort out SOON. UGH UGH UGH.

In follow-up to my grandmother, I went to Cleveland and had a nice visit. Even lunch with my mom went well. Then, my mother called me up 3 days later and ripped me apart for all my new supposed wrongdoings, telling me she "faked" having a nice lunch with me, and that I'm a disrespectful, ungrateful, horrible person who constantly marginalizes her and doesn't care about my family. (I know, it was just AWFUL of me to go visit my grandmother, especially since nobody would pick me up at the airport and I had to rent a car, yet I still went. I'm such a b*tch, aren't I?). My mother complained about me to everyone, which turned into a shocking and nasty e-mail war that involved all 3 of my aunts, in which I was ripped apart by all of them.

Long story short: I am finished for good with her abuse and bipolar behavior, and now that of the entire family. I really wanted to try again after A and G were born, but I think a relationship with her would be damaging to them and to me and my husband. I just have to accept that they will only grow up with one family.

It is not my choice, but it is what it is. :(
Love,
rosebud

Taken 9.18.09 ~ Greg and Ari chill on a Saturday morning with their baseball chair (those are Grandpa's feet in the corner, he was making sure Greg didn't fall).

It's happening. I'm going to visit my grandma at her rehab center (after her bad fall), and I have to see my mom. There is no way around it. Exactly why I am NOT spending the night. How am I going to do all this in one day? Here's how:

Flight is at 6:40am, arrive in Cleveland, rent car, drive to rehab center by 10:00am. (Mom's response to request to pick me up from airport: "It would be easier for ME if you rent a car...And I already made breakfast plans like five minutes ago.")

Spend day with Grandma, give her the two books I bought her, have lunch in her cafeteria or in her room with her. (Me: "I'll have lunch with you in your room." Grandma: [[long pause]] "They don't call it that here." Me: "It's okay, Grandma, whatever they call it, I'll eat with you." How cute is THAT? LOL)

Leave at 3:00pm and meet mother at a restaurant.

Leave restaurant by 5:30pm latest and drive back to airport, return rental car, catch flight.

Arrive back in Chicago around 8:30pm-ish.

All I have to say to this is...OY VAY. I'm sure I will have all kinds of drama to report.

In terms of the twins, the big news here is that Greg has his first two teeth! His bottom center right one popped up, then the center left a day later. The teeth are so cute. (None for Ari yet, BTW). I was jumping up and down and laughing like crazy (the only adult in the house, mind you) when I discovered the first tooth. Mostly because it was adorable, but also because it means that time really IS going forward!


OK, I hear some heavy breathing on the monitor, which mean wake-up time is upon me. Nap es finito. Wish me luck tomorrow, dear readers. I am going to need it.

Love, rosebud

All I want is everything that is impossible.

Ari (left) and Greg (right) rock their shoes on a beautiful fall walk September 30th.

Hi guys. I don't know what it is lately, but I am not doing well. Well, maybe I do know some things that are causing my malaise of mind and spirit.... Although things with the twins are great right now, everything ELSE in life seems to be going haywire.

Drama drama drama with my family (which you know I stay out of, but my nice aunt keeps me in the loop). Here are the main highlights:

-- Grandma was hospitalized last Friday when she fell in her bathroom, still in the hospital, she has blood pressure disorder. She will go to an assisted living facility after this. I now have to figure out how to visit her without an encounter with my mother. I'm going to have to fly in and out of Cleveland on the same day, because if I stay overnight I will have to stay with her. And if I don't stay with her, it will cause a huge fight, of which everyone will support my mom because they are all afraid of her. ((In case you didn't know or forgot, I seriously think my mom has a type of undiagnosed bipolar disorder, it seems to get worse and worse every year.))

-- My nice aunt was going to bring my grandma to Toledo to live with her in her home, but the other sisters threw a hissy fit and now she's going to stay in Cleveland in assisted living. My grandma buckled under the pressure and was crying to my nice aunt, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I really want to come with you." Even though nobody wants her in their home except my nice aunt. Great, huh? It's so messed up and so sad. I wish my grandma had stood up to them.

-- My cousin S, who is living with her boyfriend, is pregnant. My hairdresser aunt (her mom) is not happy. All I can say to this one is, thank GOD I had the twins before this event occured. I don't know if I ever would have recovered. And there is no marriage on the horizon, no money to raise the baby, nothing. I wish her the best, but just....thank God I already have my boys, it spared me a lot of pain.

-- My cousin A fell in HER bathroom on that very next Friday night and ended up hospitalized for throwing up blood. She has sepsis blood poisoning and will be in the hospital for 2-3 weeks. She was born with spinal biffida and is paralyzed from the waist down (no feeling at all), so she got the sepsis from a toe that kept scraping the ground with no shoes on, in her wheelchair, and she never noticed she had this ongoing injury. She doesn't take very good care of herself, she has a history of this kind of stuff.

-- My mother has not called ME to tell me any of this. I called her once, to try and break the ice, and she still hasn't called with any updates. She is a GIANT B*TCH. My good friend C recently reminded me to stay grounded in all this, that I will only get hurt if I raise my expectations of anything "normal" coming from my mother.

-- My nice aunt has traveled from Toledo to Cleveland every day since Friday to be with Grandma, since all her other daughters abandoned her for a road trip the morning after she was admitted (yes, you read that correctly, they LEFT her in the hospital). This was for a "family reunion" ((too bad the matriarch of the family was in the hospital, right?!?)) where everyone gets drunk together, it's nuts and kinda scary. Which is exactly why my nice aunt and I were not wanted. When my mom and my hairdresser aunt got home to Cleveland, that's when the sh*t hit the fan about my nice aunt trying to move my grandma to Toledo. Heaven forbid anyone try to actually CARE for her and do the right thing.

If you've followed all this so far, I appreciate you, dear reader.
It's a lot of word GUNK that comes from a lot of LIFE GUNK. :)

So...the result is that I haven't been able to sleep. My dear twins sleep 12 hours a night, and I just lay there waiting for my brain to relax. It is frustrating and enraging to me that my family can still have this effect on me when I am 500 miles away and not "involved" in any sense, except for the fact that I have to somehow get there to visit my grandma.

On top of this I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself with Ari and Greg lately. The solid food thing has stressed me out beyond belief. I know I'm being ridiculous, but I have no idea if I'm doing things right, when they should start eating what we eat, how the boys are going to get from 3 naps to 2 when there is a bottle at 3pm...I drive myself crazy with this stuff. And I feel like everyone else around me, all the other moms, know something that I don't know.

Like I said, I know that's stupid, and Ari and Greg are doing great, they are happy and thriving, so I can't be messing up. But it FEELS like I am. I guess I'm one that likes rules to follow. And since every child is different, nobody can tell me exactly how to do it, when, how much, when to introduce new things, etc. So I just freak out for no reason. It's like all this pressure I put on myself to be the Perfect Mom. Just like I've tried to be the Perfect Everything my whole life. It's crazy. And living with the in-laws, where everyone questions my tiniest actions and choices, is adding majorly to my paranoia.

Dear God, grant me the serenity. SERENITY NOW!!! :)

Love,
rosebud

Mommy, Daddy, and the Guys

Greg (left) and Ari (right)

Greg (top) and Ari (bottom)

Not much to say this morning. Just wanted to share these pictures from last night!

How am I going to survive living with the IL's?

Funny pic I found online. :)

I've had a really hard time the past couple days, and it has nothing to do with the twins. If you don't know our situation, here is the low-down:

• DH got laid off in June.
• We needed to put our house in Louisville on the market.
• We decided to move in with DH's parents in the Chicagoland area to make the house sell-ready.
• DH got a new job downtown Chicago. Hooray!
• We moved in with his parents.
• Our house is on the market and I don't think it's selling any time soon.
• Meanwhile.....I am a SAHM with two babies in my in-law's house. UGH UGH UGH.

Last night my FIL came home from work and saw that there were 3 (yes! count them, 3!) lights on in the house. It was a dreary day, and it was already 6pm, mind you. "Do me a favor, will ya?" he barked. "Turn off a light every now and then?" Well, I lost it. DH and I were ready to take the twins for an evening stroll with the dog, so I hustled out of the garage with tears in my eyes. Not before I told him, "I DO actually turn out lights all day long. You and DH happened to be home so I didn't." Apparently the kitchen (where I just fed the twins dinner), their playroom (IL's living room that we transformed, I have to give them credit here for tolerance), and the hallway was too much for him.

And here's where I RANT:

In my own home, I get to the dishes, bottles, laundry, etc. etc. WHEN I CAN. But in this household it is an actual crime if the dishes are not all in the dishwasher, then unloaded, on the same hour if not the same day. I pick up all the twins' toys EVERY NIGHT so their living areas are as clear as possible. I spend nap times (except when I'm mad enough to blog, like right now) making bottles and running the laundry. Which, BTW, my MIL offered to do the baby laundry for me but either can't, or doesn't care, to keep up with it as it's needed, which is every other day. Most of the times I have one baby or the other in my arms as I'm running around the house. Now, EXCUSE ME, if I just don't care if EVERY SINGLE LIGHT is off by the time they get home. I have this image of me and the twins eating in the dark, I think they would prefer that.

On top of this, we had a potential offer on our house this past week that doesn't look like it's going to happen. So...to get even a tiny taste of potential freedom (we can't buy a new home until ours sells, and we can't afford another mortgage or rent payment) and have it taken away depressed me.

My mantras include, "beggars can't be choosers." But that doesn't mean it's easy.

Can I just scream really loud? Like, once or twice? My IL's are really thick. They don't really care if I get upset or scream at them sometimes. Not because they don't actually care, but because they don't GET IT, that I'm actually upset. They are just clueless that way. It's very weird to me because I come from a very calm, passive-aggressive family that really knows how to hold a grudge. Completely the opposite of this loud, get-things-out-on-the-table and then forget all about it family. Which I like. Most of the time.

How am I going to survive all winter? Because, let's face it, houses don't sell in the winter. Especially not a house that is fifteen feet away from a major freeway on the front, and faces a nature preserve at the back. Both of which become problems when the leaves drop.

I have to suck it up somehow. I just. don't. know. how. :(